"Yes, there are a lot of shared experiences that sisters have,
and there's a lot of communication that goes without words."
–LAN SAMANTHA CHANG

INNER CITY STORIES

Sometimes, it’s hard to think about a topic for these open topic essay. It’s the main reason why I sometimes hand it in late. During the times where I don’t have to write one, I get so many ideas, but when it comes to a time where I have to write one, I go completely blank. I guess it’s due to the pressure of, “Damn it. I need this done by *insert date here*,” and while I sit by the computer, with my music playing over the sound of my family talking, I get a brain fart and I end up hand-dancing for three hours in the chair. I’m just writing whatever happens when I’m writing this, so there will be times where the thought completely changes. There’s no exact theme to it, I just say whatever thought comes to mind.

I’ve had the idea of writing an essay like this, just rambling on. I never got to it because last minute I’d always get some topic to write about. I zone out in the middle of writing as I did just now because a really great song started playing and I couldn’t resist the urge to lip sync to it and do weird hand motions. I always end up doing weird hand motions when listening to music because the music just flows through me to my fingertips. I also add a good old hair flip every once in a while if the tune is right and I can do it to the beat. I think I’m Brendon Urie. I don’t get how he managed to lose all of his band members. Now his “band” really is Brendon! At The Disco. His style changed so much from the first album, “A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out,” to the newest one, “Death of a Bachelor.” He went from weirdly painted people and weirdness to the modern day Frank Sinatra. Sometimes people get so shocked when they find out I enjoy Frank Sinatra. Like, yeah I listen to the loud, scary, screamy music, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy someone as great as Frank. 

I usually end up laughing half the time because I really get into the music and I start head banging and bouncing around and then a sad song starts playing because, well, face it, I’ve got to have my sad songs, but then I start making really weird noises to over-react and then I laugh because it’s ridiculous. And here my sister comes along ruining my mood as always. She’s seventeen, but she acts like a ten year old tattle tale. She doesn’t have a life of her own and has to constantly get in my business that doesn’t relate to her in any way.  I don’t know what her problem is. She thinks she’s my mom because she apparently “raised” me since my mom works during the day and comes home at six. She constantly reminds me with,” I raised you. I make you food,” even though I’m always the one making myself food and retreating back to my room where I try to avoid her (she always comes to my room to annoy me with some random song that she sings terribly off key and then she leaves my door open. I close her room door when I leave, but she leaves mine open all the time. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHEN I GO INTO HER ROOM ONCE AND SHE SCREAMS AT ME TO STOP GOING IN HER ROOM EVEN THOUGH I BARELY DO).  “Ohhhh don't be so mean about your sister. She just annoys you because she loves you.” If she loved me, she wouldn’t always do or say something to ruin my mood. Every time I come back from hanging out with my friends, she always has to have something to say. 

Like today for instance, I had a fun day at the park with Greta, but I was home an hour late (she only gave me an hour and a half out because of some unfortunate reason). I told my sister that I was at Greta’s house after the park and she flipped. When I got home, she yelled at me, saying my actions are irresponsible. She assumed I was on drugs because she just overreacts. She started saying I’m an attention seeker because of my actions; I do impulsive things for attention. She’s entirely wrong though. I don’t want any attention from her. I don’t like her. If I’m acting nice around her, it’s only because I’m in a good mood and she isn’t acting like the annoying nag she usually is. She always complains I spend too much time in my room, but when I finally go out with my friends, she gives me two or three hours. And then she goes on saying I’m anti-social after I spend one day alone in my room. She thinks that I live in my own bubble and think I’m the most important person in the world; people serve me everything on a gold platter. It’s funny that she says she wants to understand why I act like a renagade. She wants to understand the anxiety and other mental problems I have, but she seems to never have the time to do her research. 

Storytime: on her birthday, we went to Olive Garden. It was completely jam-packed. Since I’m claustrophobic, I was getting anxious. When I’m anxious, I’m very irritable and I start feeling fidgety. Before hand, I pointed out what I wanted to order five times and she heard.  My mom asked my sister what I wanted and my sister said she doesn’t know, and I asked her how could she not if I pointed it out to her five times. She said she hadn’t noticed and then asked me why I was being so rude. I reminded her I’m claustrophobic and I have anxiety so that’s why. She then had the audacity to say, “Why are you trying to ruin my birthday? Why do you behave like a wild animal? Why can’t you ever act normal?” She tends to say that kind of stuff every time my anxiety takes over (which is very often). 

With regard to the attention seeking thing, I can’t help it if my actions are erratic sometimes. I can’t control how my anxiety makes me behave. You can’t really understand it if you don’t have it. But the thing is, I want anything but attention. I don’t like having the spotlight on me. I stay in my room all day for a reason -- to get away from people and to “recharge” because that’s how introverted people get their energy back from being out all day. Apparently, that’s a cry for attention, though. I’m just begging for people to come up to me and ask me how I am. I don’t like it when people talk to me when I am alone. IT IS WHY I AM IN MY ROOM. Alone. I am ready for you to talk to me if I go out. Talk to me all you want then. 

Another thing about my sister is that she always either thinks I’m on drugs because my actions aren’t “normal” and that I need to be put on meds because I don't know how to act like a normal person. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve told her and my mom that I have problems. Yet every time I “act out” they always act like it’s new; like I never acted like that before. I’ve been like this for three years. One thing I really hate about my sister is that she thinks she’s way better than me because she’s a straight A student. My mom bought me new clothes and shoes online and she just had to go and say, “Why does Agatha get all these new clothes? I have straight A’s and I deserve new clothes. With Agatha’s horrible behavior, she doesn’t deserve anything.” Like, good for her she’s a good student, but school grades aren’t everything. Yeah, it gets you into good colleges which can get you a good job, but you shouldn’t just use up your youth on academics. Youth is where you don’t have to worry about working yet so you should be doing everything you can before you get tied down by adulthood. My problem is that my sister thinks life revolves around good grades. She blames my friends for the way I act. She blames them for me lying to my parents and for coming home late. She thinks I smoke weed with them and drink. The only things we do are walk around, talk about all the shitty things in life, talk about funny random things, and drink energy drinks. If we go to the mall, we pick out the most ridiculous outfits and say it would be perfect for the other person. My sister thinks I’m completely oblivious to the problems out in the world and that I’m blind to what effects my actions have on me. I’ve experienced mental and physical problems first and second hand. I’ve suffered through major depression and anxiety. I’ve had several panic attacks. I’ve talked people out of suicide and helped them through panic attacks. I’m one of the reasons why one of the people in our English class is still alive. I know about all the shit going on in the world like ISIS, homophobia, racism, transphobia, natural disasters. If anything, she is oblivious. She hangs around with all the academic kids and they spend all night cramming themselves with school knowledge instead of learning about real world problems. The only things they seem to worry about is getting a B on an assignment and keeping up with today’s fashion trends. People like me have already been contaminated and our innocence has been corrupted. Nothing phases us. When she acts as if I know nothing and assumes that I think I’m the most important thing, it severely pisses me off because I know I don’t have much to contribute to the world. I only affect my friends’ lives. I don’t expect people to notice me. I don't expect them to help me. But being told I affected one person’s life positively just makes it more appreciable. My sister will never see me the way my friends see me. I’ve been told by her that she knows me better than I do. But the way she knows me isn’t me at all. I am anything but useful to her. She defines me by my impulsive actions and grades. To my friends and boyfriend, I’m a life saver. Two are my friends are still alive because of me. My boyfriend is overcoming his depression and stopped self-harming because of me. I will not allow the term “useless” to be applied to me.

I can easily go from being random to completely deep in only a few moments. Well, I literally used up all my energy writing that. At least I got all of it off my chest.