No Escape by Kristen Aponte

INNER CITY STORIES

She felt trapped. Wherever she went he was there. Watching her every move, day by day. He had found her one August day at the park with her friends. Her long black mop of hair flowing through the wind, smile as bright as the sun, with the spirit of an animal roaming through the trees. He stared amazed at what was before him. He had to have her, no matter what.  Every day at noon he’d go to the park and watch the young girl play with her friends. Some days he’d watch them from afar, other days he’d sit by the playground to get a closer look at his next victim.

He’d watched her now for several weeks and knew everything she would do. Every day after she’s done with playing with her friends she walks through a path in the woods that her dad had made for her. It was the fastest way to get to their house from the park. He followed every day, staying behind far enough so that she wouldn’t notice. Then finally he couldn’t take it anymore, he had to have her once and for all.  It was cold one dark late afternoon and the little girl was walking through the woods without her jacket; she had left it at the park and was too scared to turn back and get it. He knew this was the right time to get her. He was waiting deep in the woods for her to pass, and as soon as she came into view everything was over.

He jumped out from where he was hiding and grabbed her arm and quickly covered her mouth so that she couldn’t scream. She was fighting to get out of his evil clutches but he was too strong for her. Her small figure kept squirming like a fish out of water. He was growing impatient with her. He threw her on the ground and landed on top, pinning her down so that she had nowhere to turn to. He grabbed the tape out of his bag and taped her mouth shut, and tied her hands as well. One article at a time he started to undress her scared little body. She was crying uncontrollably, trying to fight her way out. It felt as though she had been pinned there on the ground forever as he lay on top of her, stealing her innocence right from under her. She closed her eyes shut, hoping that it would all be over soon. Her small body couldn’t take the pain of this man. He was taking everything from her, her childhood and her womanhood. He held her down tightly as he was almost done. Within a few more minutes it was all over. He got off her and left her there on the ground, sobbing to herself as he covered up his tracks. He kissed the little girl goodbye and disappeared into the night. No one would ever know about what had happened in the woods that dark, cold night.

Winter on the Curb-Face by Lavinia

INNER CITY STORIES

Winter’s breath against her face,

She fiddles with an old shoelace.

Empty pockets,

Yet bright-eyed she waits

The cold bites like rattlesnakes,

She stands and she shakes.

Misplaced,

Breathing in the snowflakes.

Her head aches,

Her hands shake.

Headlights pass,

No one brakes.

With each evade her heart breaks,

Her legs deflate,

She sits and waits,

Still she waits on the curb-face.

Her eyelids are weights,

The gray air matches her pale face.

Yet she still waits and she waits,

Wishing she had at least a small plate.

Tears smash the gray slate.

She thinks her head will detonate.

She rubs her hands so blood will circulate.

She needs an escape.

She tries to concentrate.

She no longer holds her sign,

Instead she twists her shoelace.

Diminished by the cold and hate.

Hope was nothing but a mistake.

Define L.O.V.E. 👼 by Kristian Devon Avery

“I have always thought that Heaven is a place for people who had had a good life,
but that is not true. God is merciful and way too good to make it so.
The Heaven is just a place for people who could not be really happy while living on Earth.
I was once told that people who commit suicide are taken back on Earth
to repeat life from the very beginning because if they did not like it once,
it did not mean they would not like it the next time.
But those who did not fit in on Earth at all, ended up here.
Everyone comes to Heaven in their own way.” 
― ETGAR KERET, The Bus Driver Who Wanted to be God & Other Stories

INNER CITY STORIES

Dear Mom, I’m now 15, really the main thing on my mind is how to one day get that green

From time to time we fake talk, texting isn't real in my book

I wonder how you been for the time we've been apart, this distance of son and mother bond has long torn my heart

For this reason only, no more, do I ask you this question

Can you define the four letter word that humans use and abuse, without due reflection?

Can you define it in such a way that I’ll cringe at its true meaning?

Or can you define it so that my heart aches in pain and begins to think about healing?

Can you define - LOVE - I can that's as easy as one, two, three, ABC

That's as easy as saying I hate you for leaving me (HA)

But anyway the definition to me is longing of various emotions

Anger, happiness,...ETC. Forget everything I just said as just a causal notion

Why did you leave? But then again you were never there

SCARED to death what happened to my mom, THOUGHT you were the best, guess I was wrong

So many nights I cried, So many days went by that I waited, for so many things I contemplated, like what I can do to change what happened between me and you

WHAT DID WE DO!!!!!! (HUH?) your children, what type mother are you?

You chickened out guess, you didn't know that was my favorite food

But now you do still, so doesn't change a thing

I got so much stress on my brain I feel chained

I hate you, I love you the same, My emotions for you mom now have been changed, Unsurprisingly, I can't even remember your face

I shouldn't give you the respect you don't deserve, I should call you by your first name

Krista!!!!!! Tell me what makes you you, is it how you sleep couch to couch? knowing whos whos but not knowing us

Damn I just wanna cuss, but imma keep it marshmallow, jello, jigglypuff  softest words but mentally tough, maybe not physically but mentally tough

I wanna cry somehow, die right now, but nah my time ain't up, so imma drink away the pain

I sip apple juice and get drunk like its Hennesy

Ya said put my dukes up, but that only makes enemies

And this is not a race, so ma please don't waste your energy

Stuck playing catch up now

What did you do when your mom left you? You were eleven

Grandmas probably full of disgrace, up there in heaven

If I could see a smile on your face, that be a blessing

Hashtag contact Kris Have, some type of message

Phone call dial me up, no stupid texting

(860)-259-8203

Ring ring doing my dance, Hotline Bling

WAIT!!!!!!

I'm not done yet, please mom if you get this

Call me

Maybe poetry is the only way someday we’ll be united like the states

I don't know how to end this so love ya baby boy

👑 Lyf3 by Kristian D. Avery

INNER CITY STORIES

Ya see life for us wasn't always great

It seem our whole life we've been with the state

Food stamp livin day to day

I remember we had a skateboard but didn't even know how to skate

Ya see life for us wasn't always great

I remember in 4th grade when we thought we seen magic cuz-a-some nice trees, pretty birds, and an old man growing cabbage

But ya see you and me never had many friends just a lot of girlfriends and girl friends

And I can't forget when we liked Gabby and kissed Rene

Maaaaaaaan we cherished that day

And ever since then we always wanted to go out and play

But do you remember when we moved to Thomas Street?

Our own first room and a big box T.V.

We used to watch Ni Hao Kai Lan on repeat DVD

Everyday eat then go to sleep

But do you remember when mom left & we thought she would come back? we thought her & dad would live happily ever after

(HA) we were young and dumb but when we found out the truth we were wrecked like a natural disaster

So ya see life for us wasn't always great it was sad it was bad and at some points it got us mad

But what else could we be? ya see we seen knife to throat, guns pointed and our dad get arrested

We accept him, but did he accept us?

When we were born he wasn't even there he thought we weren't his sons

Ya see life for us wasn't always great

BUT WE FOUND A WAY!!!!!!

Yes we found a way and at first it was rap

Yo check it one time to get this message straight, bars what i'm givin havok what i'm livin, we found ourself inside ourself and we were only children

But ya see life for me started to get better

Pencil to paper

Writing raps letter by letter

Then I wrote stress, started out as another hot 16

And then I remember my teacher said we needed a poem for a poetry slam

I mixed and mastered my bad disasters and when I found poetry

All my poems from then were a success

Ya see poetry was the best

It was the best way I had to express my stress

Cuz ya see my life was a mess

Quickly god stripped me from better to worse

Reaching for a way was like being in a desert dyin of thirst

Ya see quickly I became angered with my family and with god

Ya see life for me was hard, na na na ya see, I had to keep pushing and pushing to become a man

My grandmas in a wheelchair so I guess she’ll need a helping hand

I was alone with no friends

She would play oldies like they were my jam

Like Luther Vandross, this house is not a home when daddy's not home and sisters not home

Just like that chair is not a chair when no one's sitting there

Ya see I was alone I felt trapped, I felt lost

But once more I sat and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote

It was time I boarded the boat

This was only the beginning, a flood was coming, a flood of life's problems

I gotta figure out how to solve em

So I wrote and wrote and wrote until my hands were numb

But ya see life isn't great

It's what you give and take

Destroy and create

Life for me wasn't always great

But this message helped me find life in another day

Karma’s a Bitch by Yarieliz Alamo

INNER CITY STORIES

The pain, the fury, all things you’ve made me feel. It was overwhelming to realize what can happen in just a short amount of time. Words still not spoken, but it’s okay, they will only make me seem broken. Keep your guard up, I tell myself. Block those feelings, it’s the only key to succeeding. 

Since the day I met you I knew my life was going to take a turn, what I didn't know was how dramatic it was going to be. In just one short year you've made such a huge impact in my life. You have shown me things I would never have guessed were possible before. You showed me sides of someone that I never would've predicted. You’ve made me brave. When I would be with you or speak to you I felt free. I thought, I can finally be me. But as with all friendships, we’ve come to an end.

All of a sudden, you took an interest in another female, and that was the end of our connection. You dropped me like I meant nothing.

It hurt.

Now I'm over it, so it's your turn.

You're going to hurt badly, you'll soon know how it feels.

But not from me, I'll leave it in the hands of someone else.

Karma's a bitch, and she won't let you be free without paying you a visit.

My Home in the Seasons by Anna Stryjewska

INNER CITY STORIE

Best friends since second grade. That’s how close we were. Although I never really knew if he truly wanted to be my friend or if we were friends by default since I was friends with the popular girl. That’s where it all started, though. Second grade. Our friendship grew. I thought he was cute. He knew. But friendship over everything, right? Right. 

The years passed by and I wanted to know him better. Everyone would tease me about liking him but I just blushed and laughed along. No one took it seriously back then. I mean, we hadn’t even blown out our double digit candles on our birthday cakes. Nothing was serious in our lives.

Middle School was the autumn of the school years. We all drifted apart like the leaves from the trees in my front yard. Although we still hung out together, we felt each other slowly falling into the new cliques that high school was soon to bring us.

The winter of our friendship. Everything froze. If it didn’t freeze, it died. A lot of us stopped being friends in high school. We fell into different cliques. Most went to the jocks, some scattered into others like birds finding their homes for the winter. I lost my place. They were my home. I didn’t know anything except for them. Until I was taken in by a new family. It wasn’t like my old home, but it was something. Take it or leave it.

The spring of our friendship fell in junior year. Some remained gone, frozen to death, never to grow back to the amazing flowers they once were. One in particular, blossomed once again. The boy. His eyes, captivating like the sky. I was drawn back in. The rebirth of our friendship brought new feelings along with it. Confused, unable to find the rest of our home, we had to fend for ourselves.

Confusion brought us on a journey. We laughed, had fun, talked for hours, avoided each other when our cheeks would turn the colors of the now blooming roses. So confused about what our feelings meant, by why it was all so different, we ran away. We fell into our individual safety nets.

Safety isn’t nearly as fulfilling as risk-taking. We needed to climb out of our safety nets. Tear them apart because they were just holding us back from all the possibilities that were out there. We needed adventure. We craved risks. We found our way back to each other.

Still confused, but working. Working to understand why it’s different. Working to understand what’s going to happen next. Wondering where our destinies will bring us -- closer together or farther apart. Nevertheless, we’re sticking by each other and taking risks, waiting for something new to blossom right in front of our eyes.

This Type of Generation by Carlos Villarini

INNER CITY STORIES

I’ve kept to myself for one year straight,

then all of a sudden there’s so much hate.

The ones that said they would be by your side

let the vibes we've had become time wasted and died.

It may seem like we want so much support

from the people who would leave and abort.

Even the one you claim as your loved one

will one day become memories and be gone.

This is the type of generation

full of fakes, followers, and heartbreaks in rage.

With understanding and explanation

I just have to sit back and make a change.

This would be the time I begin to realize

not all things level with your expectations.

It’s okay if your way goes otherwise,

just do not have any hesitation.

Sucks to see all of these depths of depression

involving stress, heartbreaks and lock ups.

But if I move on and make progression

then it’ll all be gone, and that’s what’s up.

Going through all of the difficult times

is what has made me believe in myself now.

When it comes to progression I will climb,

going through the difficult times without a frown.

This is the type of generation

where we have to stand up and stay strong.

Do not follow the demonstrations,

just stand up for yourself while living young.

Even close friends can do you dirty

for the popular crowd, acting two faced.

Just tell them “You're stupid, you heard me

that's fine, I'll just move on to my next phase.”

Be your own person, not a wannabe,

be the person you want to be known for.

Show who you are based on your quality

and don't make yourself look bad anymore

You don't have to be part of a gang,

you'd be better off independent.

Being friends with the ones who can only hang

will not be beneficial, or pleasant.

This is the type of generation

where you'll be fine as long as you do you.

If you lose friends don't have any hesitation

just move on if they treat you like doo doo.

But be successful so that they can hate

just because you got your life together.

Everyone knows that they can’t relate

with these haters, but just say “whatever.”

I have stuck to myself just for the best,

and it’s really left a good impression.

I feel like my life really is a test

since I have learned so many lessons.

My best shows that I am great at my work,

Including my effort in school and track.

This feeling so beats hanging with a jerk,

for my old homies there’s no coming back.

This is the type of generation

where you must ignore the ignorant.

It helps when you're your own motivation

knowing compared to others you are different.

The day that I finally get my diploma

I’ll never forget all of my struggles.

It was worth it because you know what?

Life taught me how to step up and hustle.

Who Am I? by Luis Luna

“The story he wrote was about a fish that was
swimming happily along in the sea when a wicked witch
turned it into a man. The fish couldn’t come to terms with
his transformation and decided to chase down the wicked witch
and make her turn him back into a fish. ”
–ETGAR KERET, "Creative Writing"

INNER CITY STORIE

I am Puerto Rican, but most people think I am white,

And the fact that I don’t speak fluent Spanish doesn’t help either.

I am a guy, but I do not hang out with other guys,

I don’t even play sports or video games.

All of my friends are girls, that’s just how it is.

I am attracted to females, but I am also attracted to males.

People tell me all the time, “It’s not possible to like both genders,

stop lying, your voice isn’t even high-pitched, you’re gay, why don't you just pick a side?”

Pick a side they say?

What am I picking between, the Yankees and Red Sox,

Ketchup and mustard, black and white? Why can’t I like both?

I have been struggling for a while now.

I usually don’t let what other people say affect me,

But lately I have been taking a deeper look into who I am

and how society affects how I live my life on a daily basis.

I know I haven’t fully accepted myself yet,

Although I know I am on the right path to get to that point.

Until then, I will continue to be myself, whether I am different or not.

‘Cause shit, why should I even need to fit into a group?

I am tired of a society that revolves around a ‘this or that’ mentality.

I am this, I am that, and I am me.

Whether you like it or not, that’s who I am.

Hopeless Effort by Aroosha Tabb

INNER CITY STORIES

Same stuff over and over!

Try to fix it or walk way,

But they got to remind me every day!

A reminder that I’m nothing,

Nothing at all!

I’m just a punching bag,

Oh here it comes again,

Smacking me with a past mistake!

It’s a slap in the face!

Arguments after arguments . . .

My throat hurts and my heart burns!

I can’t go a day without screaming!

My ears ache and my head's splitting!

Can’t sleep at night

Knowing I’ll still be trapped in the same hell,

Caged with beasts!

All they want to see is my pain,

Suffering every day, without any change

Then I act as if it’s okay

It’s all peachy,

Smiling to your face,

Even though I’m crying inside.

The more my heart breaks,

The harder it is to lie.

I cry more and more.

My problems escalate,

My happiness deceased

Can we please stop?

Can you please stop tormenting me?

You’ve killed my joy,

What else do you want!?

You can’t get enough!

Going around in tragic circles is your thing.

You must like that nauseous feeling,

Making you and me both sick!

Sick of each other,

Tired of hearing each other’s voices!

I’m scared to be around you,

Because all you do is remind me of how bad I am!
I know it’s kind of sad,

But then again, I’m pathetic in your eyes!

First, I’m sad, then, I’m mad!

Is redemption even possible with you?

I guess not, because I try and try,

Never have I succeeded.

I’m tired and done.

Over with trying to fix it or escape.

With you it’s impossible.

You hold grudges too long.

You’re like a piece of glass,

Digging into my skin.

I take it out, but a small piece persists.

Soon, it wears through, but then comes back for more.

I’m internally messed up

I can’t keep going.

Am I ever going to be truly happy?
Not with you, who refuses to share

You bash me over and over!

I apologize sincerely, but you don’t care

Dark but Delicate by Nicolette Saunders

“You'll never know what's happening inside the heads of other people.” 
― ETGAR KERET
The Bus Driver Who Wanted to be God & Other Stories

–
INNER CITY STORIES

“I’m that friend that has to walk behind the group when the path isn't big enough. I’m that friend that gets cut off in conversation. I’m that friend that gets left behind when I asked them to wait for me. I’m that friend that doesn't get invited to hang out a lot. I’m that friend that if I want to go to the mall or someplace with a friend, I have to be the one to invite people to make sure I get included. I’ll always be that friend”.

I'm not exactly sure how to start this, but I would like to go into it with an open-mind; yet let it be clearly stated from the outset that depression has no rules, boundaries, or exact definition. It’s different for everyone, and everyone who lives with it, will grasp the concept that it's your own unique emptiness. It should also be understood that this is no cry for help or a pity paper, just my thoughts. Furthermore, I don't care at all if you're a psychiatrist, the smartest person on this planet, or have studied people with depression, you will never know what it's like until you’ve experienced it yourself. My depression began as an emotional pain that wouldn't go away, and the sadness that hit me when my father went to jail. Him being my best friend and all, it felt like a part of me was ripped away. Not that I'm necessarily a control freak, but I felt like I lost hold of the handles. All I did was cry and sleep, and intentionally trigger it by listening to depressing music. I no longer had a genuine smile on my face, and my heart felt heavy every second, even when I thought I was “happy”. Now, looking back in hindsight, I realize I was not happy; those were just moments, temporary ones. To me, happiness is long-term and means you’re content no matter what. I’ve yet to experience that emotion. Since I got that phone call four years ago, I've been trapped in my own lonesome.

For the longest time, I would rely on others to make me happy; I even “faked it till I made it”. It’s ironically funny how I thought I was really suffering from depression back then, because it only gets worse. I don't think it actually ever goes away; medications are pointless, and let's be real, the people you pay to listen, don't really give a shit either. It’s their job. My therapist didn't really do much, although it was nice to let it all out; my thoughts were way too dark for her to comprehend. Sometimes she just stared at me with nothing to say, but was I surprised? Absolutely not. It was actually entertaining to some extent, because she made me feel like I was crazy or losing my mind. I read an excerpt once about this man Larry Brown who was depressed. After a year of therapy his psychiatrist said to him, “Maybe life isn't for everyone”. The thought that some people just aren't meant to get better came to mind. If that doesn't say something to you, not sure what will. The depression went away for a while, and at the start of sophomore year I actually believed the torment was gone for good. Little did I know, January of 2016 it returned, but because of school this time. It hit me like a bullet, because I was in denial for so long and had claimed it was just a phase, even though I was getting “warning signs” months before. I was stressed out over school work, grades, college prospects, etc. In reality it's not just a “phase”; it's a monster that never goes away. It always comes back, and this time it was deeper than before. These monsters don't sleep under your bed either, they sleep in your head. You can't drown them either, because they know how to swim.

Again, I lost control of the handles, and this time I really did want to end it. First attempt: I held a knife on point and slowly twirled it on my skin, right above my heart. I was too sensitive and broke down, and lay there crying on the floor. It really is disturbing how I wanted to take my own life, but at the time I thought it was my out. Feeling no improvement, I started to feel weak, and distant from everything. I no longer cared. Second attempt: I was home alone and it hit me again; I was so mentally exhausted from being attacked by something I couldn't see. I went into my bath with the intention of staying under until I could no longer breathe. I tried so hard, but eventually I came to the realization of what I was doing. I became scared of my own self. This time I didn't cry, not until later on at least. I told my guidance counselor and she called some lady to talk to me. Once again, she did nothing but aggravate me and leave me stuck with what I came in with.

There hasn't been a third attempt, not yet at least. Once you know pain and have been broken down into so many pieces, nothing surprises you anymore. This becomes your normal -- depression. It's gotten to the point where even if I wanted to kill myself, I couldn't, and if I did, it wouldn't solve anything because nothing is more painful than this. I've come to the conclusion that there is no end, and frankly, you just get used to it. My depression comes in waves; some days I’ll be okay, and others I’ll have multiple anxiety attacks and breakdowns in a short amount of time. It is what it is though. When I reach my low points, I’ll let my mom know and she’ll do all she can to comfort me, and bombard me with, “Are you sure you’re okay?” questions, basically meaning, will I kill myself? I feel like I'm spending all my time and energy trying to be okay, so she won't worry. I also think she thinks it's her fault, or that somewhere along the line she caused this. None of this is her fault; it’s nobody's, in all honesty, except maybe mine. It is consuming though when you are the one apologizing, when you're collapsed on the floor. Really how ironic it is, that you're the one who is hurt and yet trying to cover it up so others won't hurt because you're hurting. And what is “okay” or “fine” anyway? Because honestly, I'm not even a little bit of that. None of it is fair. To avoid everyone being concerned, which overwhelms me, I just fake a smile and pretend that everything is okay.

It’s actually funny, nobody really believes me when I say I’ve been depressed for almost half a decade, but I am. I'm just a very convincing actress, I suppose. That is where the problem is rooted: just because a person goes around smiling and laughing, that means they're “happy”. What am I supposed to do? Cry and mope around the halls 24/7? No, because if I do I'm craving attention, and if I try to hide it, that means I don't want any help. It's a never ending battle that you just cannot win. Take it from someone who has had lots of experience. Again, funny how things play out. It’s gotten to the point where I'm numb and don't even know why I’m unhappy. I’ve become a pessimist; I've currently lost all hope for a happy ending. Everyone is a disappointment and I am constantly being let down. I “suffer” from your typical “symptoms,” like anxiety, indecisiveness, over-analyzing every damn thing, hopelessness, irritability, insecurities, feeling drained, self-consciousness, etc. I mean you name it, and I'm probably that. I worry about every single thing, and over think everything because I'm scared all the time. I feel ugly and that I'm not worth it, that I'm a bother to everyone. Most of the time, I feel like if I met myself, I’d hate me too. There is just no point in telling anyone, because I feel like a burden . . . even if you say I’m not. At one point I felt like if I died, nobody would notice.

I feel like I can't do anything right, and that I'm not as smart or intellectual as I should be. As a matter of fact, I’m constantly on edge, and come off as defensive or harsh, but it's never intentional. I'm not mean, it's just who I am now and know no other way to express it. At the exact same time, I am very sensitive too. It’s funny because I recently got removed from one of my classes because I was told “I don't reach the standards;” for someone suffering with depression a comment like that is definitely a trigger. Feeling worthless, and then being compared negatively to others really doesn't increase your self-esteem, but who am I? It's crazy how I’ve become comfortable with disliking and criticizing myself. I don't give myself enough credit. Simply because of little things like that comment by a teacher, which reminds me to give up and quit. Yes, it may seem tedious walking on eggshells around people like me, but try to think before you speak and be even a little bit considerate. Just not to the extent where you need to censor things, like I have a disease or am delicate or as if there is something wrong with me. You never know what someone is going through. Don’t assume either.

I barely have any hope left; I’ve been “sad” for years, so don't tell me it gets better. At least not now it won’t. Why? I don't know, truthfully. See? There goes the indecisiveness . . . because I never know. I tend to just accept things as they are; I’ve been at my lowest, and don't think it can get any lower than that . . . I think. When my “I think things are getting better and I may be happy” moments are over, and I go into a “funk”, I just pretend like nothing ever happened and distance myself from everyone again. I don't talk to anyone, or make jokes, I barely interact with people in general. Most of the time I don't feel needed, I'm just here. Nobody ever understands me it seems like, and in truth I just can no longer explain. It’s draining to try and put your feelings into words, for nothing but a, “I don't get what you mean”. It feels pointless; living no longer has a purpose. Do you really know what it feels like to be in a crowd full of people, but still feel alone and empty? I'd rather just be alone; I've become obsessed with being alone, but that's different than being lonely. Trying no longer does anything; you just feel like you're trapped inside, screaming and not one soul can hear you. It’s exhausting trying to fight something that goes absolutely nowhere, and because of that nothing really scares me anymore. If there is one thing I do know for a fact, it’s that you can be breathing and alive, but not living.

If there is one thing I have learned from all this it’s that it challenges you and breaks you, and in the end hopefully you only come out stronger. I mean, I'm still here, right?